LotR: A Parody
by SireenC
Summary: Oh, geez, I apologize for the lack of originality for the title. This is written by my sister and myself...it is a parody we came up with, and it mostly follows the movie. We wrote back and forth, so some sections are by her and some by me. Quirky humor..
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer

Number 1: We do not own Lord of the Rings. The book was written by J. R. R. Tolkien, and Peter Jackson directed the movie. We are making no profit from this  Maybe…

Number 2: While we have read the books (or, in my case, almost done reading the books), this follows the movie. But some stuff pertaining to the book version occasionally appears when it makes good humor. Also, since we don't have all the time in the world, some parts have been glossed over or shortened, while other scenes we focused on more. Some scenes may even be made up entirely out of our minds (scary, I know). And if anything falls out of order from the originals, we apologize. Sometimes it was purposefully done to fit what we wanted.

Number 3: Random quotes from other movies appear periodically. If you find and identify them, you get a cookie. Not really. Maybe a metaphorical one  These other movies could include, but are not limited to the following: Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings itself, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, The Mummy, and Austin Powers. These are the movies we are obsessed with and can quote from the tops of our heads at any time. Also, random video games ideas and even a commercial appear here. We don't own any of the mentioned above, either.

Number 4: We love all the characters and mean no harm  If you find any comment offensive, then too bad. Nothing was said to offend…it's all in good fun. We purposefully make fun of every character and go out of our way to make each character ridiculous. Have fun.

Number 5: This began when my sister started writing random, parodying scenes in a tablet. I decided to get in on the action, so to speak, and then I said we should put it into a book setup. Heh heh.

Lord of the Rings:

The Fellowship of the Ring:

Parody

by SireenC and Peleus15

Frodo Baggins sat under a tree in the middle of a place that we are not quite sure where, but we know it is in the Shire somewhere. He was reading a book, _101 Ways to Cook Mushrooms_, when he heard the sound of a cart. The cart was no ordinary cart, for it carried an old friend of his: Gandalf the Grey. Gandalf was late. Frodo ran over to the road, somehow losing his valuable book along the way.

"You're late," Frodo told the wizard. Frodo was a bad hobbit, for he had just broken the number one rule, which was to never anger a wizard. Gandalf looked up at the hobbit.

"You're short and have hairy feet; what difference does it make?" Gandalf asked. Frodo only stared back, unfazed, before lunging into the cart.

As Gandalf's cart slowly made its way around the Shire, Frodo and Gandalf kept up a friendly chat. They seemed to have known each other for quite some time.

"Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of," Frodo said. "Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected."

"If you are referring to the incident with the dragon, I was hardly involved. All I did was give your uncle to the dragon in hopes that the dragon would eat him," Gandalf returned in defense.

"Whatever you did, you were officially named Disturber of the Peace," Frodo told him as several hobbit children ran after the cart.

"Fireworks, Gandalf!" they cried as the gardener hobbit grumpily watched. Gandalf sent out fireworks that killed the children. The gardener chuckled to himself.

Frodo dove out of the cart sometime after that, but Gandalf kept going until he pulled up beside Bag End. He climbed out and whacked the door with his staff, almost breaking it.

"Go away! Unless you have food, I am not interested!" came Bilbo Baggins voice from within the giant hole in the hill.

"What about very old geezers?" Gandalf shouted back.

"Gandalf?" Bilbo asked.

"Of course it's me; who else half dead hangs around your doorsteps?" Gandalf replied. Bilbo opened the door, and Gandalf had to crawl to get through, almost getting stuck halfway.

"So…would you like some tea?" Bilbo called from the kitchen. Gandalf was obviously snooping around, as he lifted up boxes and opened his mail. Gandalf snickered; Sarumen once had him arrested for reading Sarumen's mail. But where were the police now? The Mail-Reader strikes again!

"Hey, Gandy! Do you want some TEA?!"

"No!" Gandalf barked. "I want some bloody coffee, Fool!"

"Too bad!" Bilbo waddled rather quickly into the room. Gandalf stuffed the opened mail under a book. "Here." He thrust the cup of steaming tea at the wizard, who was unprepared. Unfortunately, the cup spilled all over him, causing him to…

"YEOOOOWWWW!!" Gandalf glared at the old hobbit. "Bilbo, I curse you and your family."

"Ah, well. I'll be dead soon anyhow, and there's just Frodo, and frankly I don't care mphw…mpf duf fuf murl…"

"Um, Bilbo? I can't understand a word you're saying."

"Oh. I forgot I was storing bread in my mouth. Would you like some? No? Good."

"Actually, I would." Gandalf glared. Bilbo glared back.

"Fine." He spat out some really chewed, really soggy bread. It landed on Gandalf's brand new, thoroughly mud-caked boots that an orc had gnawed on two days ago.

"I hate you." Gandalf scooped up the soppy mess and shoved it into his mouth.

"So!" Bilbo, suffering from bipolar disorder, was cheerful. "Why are you here?"

"Someone said there was cake," Gandalf muttered around the mouthful of gooey "bread."

"Yep! And potatoes!"

"…Together?"

"Yep!" Bilbo suspiciously eyed the wizard. "Is that the only reason you're here?"

"Um…possibly?"

"Oh, okay. Wanna go smoke lots?"

"Erm…sure. With you?"

"Gandalf, you are my oldest and dearest friend…" He choked as tears filled his eyes. "I just want you to know that I love you very much."

"Whoa! Dude, so don't swing that way!" Gandalf backed away.

"Heh, heh…neither do I?" He grabbed his pipe and some Long Bottom Leaf. "Let's go."

Bilbo seated himself on the chair, but Gandalf pushed him off and sat there himself. Bilbo was left to sit on the ground.

Gandalf, thinking he was best at everything, was clearly trying to show off by making the smoke into different shapes. "Gandalf, my old friend, this will be a night to remember," Bilbo commented. He looked over at Gandalf to find him passed out from all the smoke.

The party was something to remember. The hobbits danced to rap, and it was the first time that it was ever played in the Shire. Gandalf was madly lighting his fireworks one after the other, while Bilbo told a story to the children.

The story was of how he spent every day of his 111 years of life, and the children were becoming very bored. Meanwhile, Frodo located Sam and tried to make him dance with Rosie.

"I think I will just have another ale," Sam responded, but Frodo pushed him toward Rosie, knocking Rosie and Sam over. Rosie got up and stormed off, and Frodo chuckled evilly to himself. He grabbed a cup of ale in each hand, downed them both, and went back for more.

As usual, Merry and Pippin were also up to no good. Merry stood eating an apple, looking innocent, but as soon as Gandalf disappeared from view, Merry signaled to Pippin; together they wheeled the cart carrying the firecrackers away. Once they were inside their tent, Pippin lit them all.

Frodo looked up and realized in horror that several dragons were flying directly toward him. "We are under attack!" he screamed, running over to Bilbo. "Dragons!"

"Nonsense!" Bilbo said, and he refused to move so Frodo body slammed him as the dragons soared overhead. They burst in the sky, and all the hobbits clapped. "Frodo, where are the dragons?" Bilbo questioned.

Gandalf stomped over to Merry and Pippin, his lip jutted out like a pouting child. "Meriagrin and Peredoc, I might have known!"

"But you didn't. And it's--"

He cut off Meriadoc. "Silence! I shall have to find a suitable punishment for you two. You could have killed everyone!"

"We're sorry, " Pippin said meekly.

"Fool of a Take!" Gandalf stomped his foot. "You failed to kill everyone! Now you have to…comb my beard!" He smiled in gleeful satisfaction when the two gasped in horror. "Oh, yes. And I was extra messy when I ate earlier!"

"NOOOOOO!!"

"Don't do a speech, Bilbo! Noo!" all the hobbits cried in sheer panic.

"All right, if you insist." Cheerfully Bilbo climbed onto a barrel and took a breath. "My dear Baggins and, um…uh…hobbits…and…more hobbits; I am 111 today!"

"You've been around far too long!" cried a random hobbit.

"Yeah, croak already!" another yelled.

"I regret to announce that this is the end. Please, hold your applause until the end. I bid you all a fond farewell." Bilbo slipped The Ring onto his finger. Nothing happened. "Darn! These cereal box rings never work!"

Bilbo stomped off as the rest shrugged and continued to party.

"Hee, hee!" the old hobbit cackled. "I will beat that old thinks-he-knows-everything!" Bilbo slammed into Gandalf the second he entered his home. "Darn the luck," he muttered.

"I suppose you thought you were a tricky little hobbit, didn't you?" Gandalf asked.

"Did you see their faces?" Bilbo chuckled to himself as he packed his things, which consisted mostly of food and alcohol. No way he was leaving that behind.

"Yes, they looked ready to kill you!" Gandalf exclaimed. "There are many names that you can call hobbits, but none of them should be used likewise."

"Whatever," Bilbo muttered, slinging his backpack onto his shoulder. "You will keep an eye on Frodo?"

"Ten eyes, as often as I take a step," Gandalf responded, taking a step forward. "Darn, now I have to check on Frodo." Bilbo ran for the door, but Gandalf quickly stopped him.

"The Ring stays, too!" Gandalf commanded. Bilbo put a hand into his pocket.

"You're a thief! You want it for yourself!"

"Bilbo Baggins!" Gandalf roared as the room darkened. Lightning came from nowhere and stunned him. Gandalf then gleefully took The Ring out of Bilbo's pocket and went and dumped Bilbo's body into the river.


	2. Chapter 2

Still don't own anything, etc…see the multitude of disclaimers in the first chapter, s'il vous plait :) And oh, geez, did my asteriks not come up in the last chapter?? I just noticed they didn't show up here...now I have to use 8's, lol. Sorry if that caused any confusion...maybe I'll try to go back and put them in...

Hikitsulover-818—Thank you for reviewing!! Glad someone else out there has our sense of humor, haha :)

Erid'Lor—Yay! Glad you liked it:) That is our goal in life…to make people fall off their seats, laughing. Of course, we don't want to cause any injuries, lol. And ohh…Bilbo, being the interesting character that he is…well, don't worry, he will make more appearances ;)

Later, Frodo came running into Bag End, shouting for his uncle. He only stopped when he was next to Gandalf. "Where's Bilbo?"

"He's…gone," Gandalf simply stated.

"To stay with the elves?"

"Maybe some dead elves," Gandalf muttered. "Yes!" he said loudly to Frodo. "He's left you this ring."

"What about Bag End?"

"Oh, it's mine," Gandalf stated.

"So all I get is a ring?"

"Looks like it." He put The Ring in an envelope and handed it to Frodo.

"Show everyone The Ring; it's safer that way."

"What?" Frodo asked.

"Keep it secret, keep it safe. Don't show anyone!" Gandalf sternly ordered, heading for the door.

"I don't understand!" Frodo cried, following him.

Gandalf turned back around to face Frodo. "Neither do I."

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Across a field Gandalf rode, urging his horse to go faster. As he was harshly jolted up and down, he scowled and thought, 'Next time I am in Imladris, I am stealing Asfaloth. Arwen does it al the time…' Suddenly, the mountain in the distance rumbled before spewing…a weak puff of smoke. "Well, that was anti-climatic," the wizard mumbled.

He arrived in Minas Tirith and sought the library. Throughout the remaining day and night he intently searched the yellowed, fragile scrolls. At last he found the accounts that told of the One Ring TM. With mild interest, he read the words of Sauron before falling asleep.

In the morning he awoke to find the scrolls a soppy mess from his gallon of drool. Hastily, Gandalf gathered the materials, shoved them in the dustiest corner, and took off for the Shire.

He arrived at Bag End in record time. With much drama he burst into Frodo's home. "Is it secret, is it safe?" he demanded with must gesturing and lifting of his eyebrows.

"Is that all you can say?" Under his breath, Frodo added, "Freak…"

"What was that?"

"Don't worry. I showed everyone in the Shire but Sam…I don't trust him."

Gandalf blinked. "Give it to me." Frodo shrugged and dug it out of him pocket.

"Hey, have you gone senile?" Frodo yelled when the old wizard threw it into the fire.

Gandalf smiled at he carefully pulled it out with a metal rod. "Hold out your hand, Frodo. It is quite cool. And if not, well, your lost and not mine."

Grudgingly, Frodo took The Ring. Gandalf asked excitedly, "What can you see?! Can you see anything?"

Squinting, Frodo said, "It reads: 'The One Ring. If found, return to Sauron on 614 Mordor Lane, 819160.' Should I mail it to him?"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" Lightning bolts materialized and crackled in the background for effect. "You must never tell Sauron or his minions that you have it!"

"Geez. Freak out, why don't ya?" Frodo grumbled. "So what shall I do?"

"On my way here, I heard birds talking. They whispered of a dark meeting of Sauron's helpers…"

A gloomy room is seen with flashes of material, skin, and fire. A queer voice is heard. "Shire, Baggins!"

Gandalf cried, "The Nazgul will come for you! They have overtaken Fed Ex; they will be here at any moment!"

The scene cuts to a scared hobbit at the edge of his lane, a dark rider on a horse before him. From under the hood, a voice rasps, "Shire, Baggins."

Trembling, the hobbit pointed to the right. "If you're looking for a ring, Frodo Baggins has it in Hobbiton. That way!"

Cocking his head, the rider commented, "Ring? I was merely looking for a place to stay. This creature said they were hospitable. But this ring sounds interesting. I shall have to check it out."

Frodo gasped, getting scared. "Oh, no! You must take it!"

"You cannot offer me this Ring!"

"I must take it!" Frodo insisted. Gandalf nodded. Frodo realized his mistake and shouted, "No! I meant you must take it!"

"Too bad. It's yours now."

"But where shall I go?"

"Get out of the Shire!"

"Okay." Frodo thought. "I'll head to Mordor. The closer you are to danger, the farther you are from harm."

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Sounds like something Pippin would say. Why don't you go to Bree instead?"

"Fine, but if anything--"

"Shush!"

"But--"

"I said SHUT UP! I hear a noise." Gandalf crept to the window.

"But I heard this great joke…you see, two Mandaloriens were in the woods…"

"I said SHUT THE BLEEP UP you STUPID BLEEP ! I hear a noise." Gandalf reached out the window and posed his staff like a sword. "Ah!"

"Ah!" Sam was wrenched into the house and onto the table.

Frodo sniffed. "What is that smell?"

"Sorry! Old and Ugly here scared me," Sam cried.

Gandalf wrinkled his nose. "Gross." Then he menacingly pointed his staff at Sam's throat. "Were you spying on us?"

"No! I didn't know you were even here! Honest!"

"Oh, really? Then why were you outside the kitchen window at this time?" Gandalf growled.

"Actually, I thought it was Mr. Frodo's bedroom window," Sam admitted.

"That's…creepy," Gandalf muttered.

"Really?" Frodo beamed at Sam. Eagerly he asked, "Are you going through a confusing time in your life, too?"

Sam looked a little scared. "Not anymore."

Frodo giggled. "Oh, Sam," he cooed in a…well, I'm sure you can hear it.

"Erm, yes….Anyhow…Samwise, you will accompany Frodo to Bree. I have to tend to a few matters first. So…have fun!" Gandalf waved cheerfully and rushed out of Bag End.

"Wait! I don't know the way!" Sam yelled, but the wizard was already gone.  
"Oh, Sam," Frodo sighed. "We can find the way together."

Sam stared at Frodo in muted horror before scrambling away. "Uh, I'm going to get some stuff at home…"

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"If I take one more step, it will be the farthest from home I have ever been," Sam gravely declared.

"Oh, Sam…hey, wait." Frodo looked around, confused. "We're not even outside your gate yet."

"Oh…heh, heh. Yeah. I was just kidding." The two hobbits continued on their trek across the beautiful landscape of the Shire. They reached Farmer Maggot's garden and began to push their way through the towering stalks. Suddenly, none other than Meriadoc and Peregrin came barreling out of nowhere and crashed right into them.

"Oof!" they all cried as they collapsed into a heap. Conveniently, Frodo landed on top of Sam, who conveniently had a spasm which resulted in his foot conveniently connecting with Frodo's chest.

"Oh, Sam!" Frodo wheezed. They all froze when the sound of dogs and the farmer filled the air.

"Oh, no! Not again!" Merry cried. "Everybody rrrruuuuuunnnnn!!!" The four hobbits hauled butt out of the garden and into a wooded area that looked creepy enough to house some Nazguls. Merry abruptly stopped, standing before a steep drop, but Pippin slammed into him, then Sam and Frodo. They all tumbled down the mini-cliff, squealing.

"Mushrooms!" Pippin screeched once they landed. Everyone but Frodo stampeded to the two little mushrooms on the side of the road. Frodo looked around as the camera panned in on his face dramatically.

"I think we should get off the road," he breathed like the drama queen that he is. They paid him no mind. Either that, or they didn't hear him over their own breathing. "I SAID GET OFF THE FREAKING ROAD!"

About two miles from their location, Nazgul 2 perked up as Frodo's scream alerted him. "Sweet!" He reared up his pony and galloped toward the sound.

"Good job, Frodo!" Merry hissed as they ran for cover. "Now we have to hide in this very visible hole with a creepy spider that is about 1/18th the size of Shelob."

"Huh?"

"Shhh!" They all squeezed together and held their breath as the Nazgul stopped above them.

"Hey, Merry, this one time, at band camp--"

"Pippin, shut it! We'll get killed," Merry hissed in Pippin's ear.

"But…there were cookies, and--"

"If you don't shut up, I will rip off your arm and beat you to death with it," Merry threatened quietly. Nazgul the Second sniffed loudly by their heads.

Pippin pouted, oblivious to the danger. Then he brightened. "I can still eat carrots and mushrooms with one hand."

"Yeah, but you'll be dead."

"Why do you always ruin my good moods??"

Despite the obviousness of the hobbits' presence, Nazgul II decided to leave. He leaped onto his evil-looking horsie and sped away. The hobbits exhaled in unison and raced away to Buckleberry Ferry.

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Meanwhile, in the elvish land of Mirkwood, King Thranduil had a dilemma on his hands. The creature Gollum had escaped. Thranduil would have searched better, but he had enough trouble, damn it, and he didn't have a special ring to help when he felt lazy, and Galadriel and Elrond never bothered to help. Just thinking about it made his immortal blood boil. But not enough for his face to become an unseemly color.

"Stupid half-breed and his stupid mother-in-law. Stupid Celeborn for always being forgotten and shoved aside due to his wife," Thranduil grumbled.

So, he decided to make Gollum's escape Elrond's problem. However, someone had to deliver the message to Imladris. He told elves to spread the word, and word returned to him that his son Legolas wanted to take the job.

Thranduil looked to the door as Legolas entered, head high and feet gliding across the floor in the graceful manner of elves. Thus began the showdown. Finally, Legolas pouted and stomped his foot in a manner that happened to be unbecoming of a grown, elvish prince. Only those with death wishes would have pointed that out to him at the moment.

"Ada, I'm going whether you like it or not!"

"Legolas, my son, the outside world is a dangerous place…we've been over this," Thranduil gritted through his teeth.

"But, Ada! It is dangerous for me here!" Legolas exclaimed.

Thoroughly puzzled, Thranduil asked, "We protect you from orcs and spiders, do we not?"

"Orcs and spiders? Please!" Legolas scoffed.

"Then what?"

"You, of course," Legolas replied in a matter-of-fact voice.

"Me?" Thranduil was bewildered. "Why, Legolas, I love you more than anything."

Legolas snorted. "Yeah. Maybe when you're not smashed. You beat me every night!"

Deeply shocked, Thranduil cried, "What?"

"Yeah, don't deny it! Every night you beat me and say you hate me and blame me for mother's death!"

Thranduil blinked. "Your mother isn't dead."

"….She's not?"

"…..Noooo. And I never raised my voice at you, let alone my hand."

They blinked at each other. Then Legolas narrowed his eyes. "What about the fact that you love my 50 brothers and one sister more than me? Huh? Huh?!?"

"…Legolas…darling…you are an only child."

Legolas frowned. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Well, you raised me as a girl!"

Thranduil suddenly recalled why he didn't want millions of punks running amok… like Elrond did. "…No, I didn't."

"Well, you condemned my love for Aragorn, also known as Estel, my Ranger Snuggle-Bunny Love-Muffin!"

"…Legolas, my poor, demented son. You are not gay. In fact, you proposed to a nice elf-lady whom you have loved for about 1,000 years."

Legolas frowned and thought. Finally he slapped his hand against his forehead. "Damn! I need to stop reading all those fanfics! So, can I go?"

"…Sure?"

"YES!! Hey, is that because you want me dead?" Legolas eyed him suspiciously.

Thranduil's eyes twitched, and he looked ready to slit his wrists.

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When they arrived at Bree, the Gatekeeper opened the peeky hole but saw no one, so he closed it.

"Hello?" Sam asked. "Let us in you nasty, old keeper-of-the-gate guy!"

"I must be hearing things," the Gatekeeper muttered to himself.

The hobbits decided to climb the gate, so they came flying over the top and plopped into the mud. "Attack!" the Gatekeeper yelled. "We're under attack!" He raced off, never to return. The hobbits shrugged and continued on.

They entered the inn of the Prancing Pony and sat down at a table. "Where are the prancing ponies?" Pippin asked, and everyone gave him weird looks. Luckily Merry came over and sat down, distracting the younger hobbit. "What's that?"

"This, my friend, is a gallon," Merry replied, eagerly licking his lips and salivating.

"I'm getting one," Pippin declared, running full speed for the counter, shoving people out of the way. Meanwhile, Sam was talking to Frodo.

"Mrs. Frodo, all that guy has done since we have arrived is smoke!" Sam said, then he yelled: "Hey, you, if you smoke anymore, there will be an ash storm in here!"

"Smoking is cough good," the stranger wheezed.

"Whatever!" Sam yelled, throwing his mug at the stranger, but he only hit Frodo, who sat in front on him.

"Oh, whack Sam," Frodo sighed.

Pippin, also, was having fun. "Baggins? Sure, I know a Baggins, Frodo Baggins. He's got this ring that turns him invisible, and it belongs to Sauron, but we're not allowed to give it to him. We're taking it to Rivendell," he said. "Do you want to see it?" The men all nodded.

"Hey, Frodo!" Pippin yelled. "Show everyone your ring!" So Frodo got onto the table and drew The Ring from his pocket.

"Fool of some munchkin!" the stranger yelled. He started to run across the room, totally plowing Pippin over and anyone else in his way. Then he leaped up and body slammed Frodo on top of the table. "Stupid munchkin!" he yelled, punching Frodo. "Stupid bloody munchkin!"

"Get off of Mr. Frodo!" Sam shouted, pushing the stranger off of the hobbit.

"Oh, Sam, thank you," Frodo gasped, as the stranger started shuffling around, looking for his cigarette. He found it lying randomly on the floor and picked it up, putting it into his mouth. Then he drug the hobbits upstairs into a room.

"Who are you?" Merry asked.

"Your worst nightmare!" the stranger replied. "But in reality, you can call me Aragorn." The hobbits blinked at one another. Aragorn turned to Frodo. "There is evil coming. Evil far worse than the evilest thing you could think of. We must leave Bree. We'll head to Rivendell because there's a lot of pretty elf-ladies there."

"Did you say 'we?'" Merry asked.

Aragorn stared at him for a moment. "No, I said 'us,'" he replied.

"'Us?'"

"No, I said 'we.'"

"'We?'"

"No, I said 'us.' ARE YOU DEAF, YOU STUPID MUNCHKIN?" Aragorn shouted. All the hobbits knew that the evilest thing in the world was standing right before them.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: See chapter 1 for disclaimers, etc…also, this section contains one of my favorite parts of our parody…though I am not saying which part it is, because then if other's don't find it funny, I won't feel stupid :)

Erid'Lor—Lol, nope, same two authors :) We go back and forth on the sections, too, so I could tell you who wrote what, but that would be complicated :) It's okay, though… sometimes we are funnier than others. My sister's actually the one of our pair that can write comedy better, I would say…I like my dark psychological writings :) Haha, you get two chapters since I probably won't get to update next week because of break! Enjoy

The Nazgul ran into the room, screaming at the top of their lungs and stabbing at anything that moved. Which included themselves…

Then they noticed the signs on the beds in which the hobbits were supposed to be sleeping peacefully. The sign read: "Ha, ha, the joke's on you." The Nazgul pondered this for a couple of seconds before running out of the room, screaming and stabbing at each other once more.

Across in the other building, Aragorn sat laughing. "We fooled them, stupid trick-or-treaters! Never again will they steal my candy!"

"What candy?" Pippin asked, but no one answered the poor hobbit's question.

"What are they?" Sam inquired, spooked.

"They ride here and there, they say, as kids dressed up…then they kill people for their candy. So, in other words, they are the Nazgul, Ringwraiths, Men who are…well, majorly deformed. To put it nicely," Aragorn answered, proud he remembered his history lessons from Glorfindel's "classes." "But really, we should be going to Rivendell. Come on; let's go!"

"It's only two o'clock in the morning," Merry complained.

"So? Let's go; MARCH!" Aragorn barked.

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"Weird, funky-smelling, gnome-looking things…we do not stop until nightfall, in which I stop, but you have to carry me so we still cover ground." Aragorn frowned at the hobbits, who had pulled out pans to cook.

"But what about breakfast?!?!?!?" Pippin screeched, on the verge of tears.

"We…already…had…it," Aragorn haltingly stated, flipping his greasy, mud caked "hair" over his "shoulder"…

"Did you just stutter?" Frodo asked.

"I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!!!" Aragorn roared. "NOW HAUL ASS!!"

"But breakfast!"

"WE HAD IT!"

"We had one, yes," Pippin agreed sincerely, flashing his cute-as-a-puppy-dog eyes at the Ranger. "But what about second breakfast?"

Aragorn blinked.

"You know, second breakfast!" Pippin quickly became hysterical. "Third breakfast, brunch, lunch, desert, 1 o'clock meal, afternoon tea, nibblies at 3:21, crackers at 4, dinner, supper, more desert, twenty-first meal, hold-over meal till 9, 9 o'clock snack, poptarts, midnight snack…you know about those, right???"

Aragorn blinked. "I live off fresh air and determination. I used to eat food. Then Elrond tried to poison me. Bloody elf. Let's go."

Pippin turned to Merry. "What were we talking about?"

From the direction they walked from, an apple flew through the air and smacked Pippin in the back of the head. He fell over, and Merry shrugged and dragged him off after Aragorn.

Nightfall fell…due to the "fall" part…and the group reached Weathertop.

…And now for a short intermission at Imladris…

"My lord, the Ring-bearer will arrive soon. I will ride out to greet them." Glorfindel walked beside Lord Elrond down the hallway.

"Arwen wants to steal Asfaloth and save her hairy boyfriend," Elrond returned in an equally quiet voice.

Glorfindel frowned. "We will just have to see about that. But, my lord, what of the twins?"

"Well, we have a problem," Elrond returned grimly. "PJ didn't put them into the movie. Therefore, we must keep them away, lest confusion occurs."

"What do you propose?"

"Well…I'll simply brew a deadly poison and bake it into chocolate. That should solve the problem completely." Elrond nodded in satisfaction.

Shocked, Glorfindel gasped, "Surely you don't mean that!"

"Sure, I do. Damn brats and their pranks and laughter and fun! I'll show them!"

"…By killing them?"

"Sure. They'll finally shut up. Maybe. They'll probably talk in death, the punks," Elrond mused.

"My lord?" Glorfindel blinked.

"Oh, relax, Glorfy." Elrond patted his shoulder and went to the door of his study.

"So…you were…joking about murdering your sons in cold blood?"

"Oh, no. Don't worry…I've done it before."

"…Before," Glorfindel repeated flatly.

"Yep. See anymore running around? No? That's because they're dead." As an afterthought, Elrond added, "I tried it with Aragorn. Punk simply grinned and said, 'Nice try.'"

Glorfindel slowly backed away.

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So, the group reached Weathertop, not to be confused with Imladris. Aragorn decided to prance around, out of view. Actually, he remembered seeing a particularly sweet mud hole a while back, and he was in need of a bath, of the Ranger variety. He left the hobbits all alone, with a few pointy objects. Apparently, he thought that was a good idea, what with the Ringwraiths hot on the hobbits' tails and all.

Frodo promptly fell asleep, and the other three sat down and lamented their "empty" stomachs. Someone (probably Pippin) got the bright-as-Aragorn's-hair idea to make a fire to cook some food. Frodo awoke to the smell of bacon roasting.

"NOOOOOO!" Frodo shot up and flung himself at the fire. "YOU MUST NOT READ FROM THE ---erm, MAKE A FIRE!!"

"Make a fire?" Merry repeated.

"DON'T MAKE A FIRE!"

"Sorry!" Sam yelled, smacking ashes over the fire.

"OH, SAM!"

"Sh," Merry hissed. "You'll attract the Ringwraiths." 'Valor, am I the only one with half a brain?' he wondered.

A creepy shrieking sounded from two inches from their heads. "Ahh!" the hobbits screamed in unison as they ran away.

"Where's the hairy guy?" Sam shrieked. Aragorn was nowhere in sight as the Ringwraiths cornered the hobbits on the top of Weathertop. Frodo, brilliant per usual, dropped his only means of protection and fell down. Magically, The RingTM slipped onto his finger, and Frodo was thrown into a scary world of blurring black and white. He found out that the Ringwraiths were actually 900 year old men. The thing leaned over him and in a monotone voice said, "Die, Ring-bearer, die," and he proceeded to stab Frodo in the shoulder.

Frodo screamed dramatically and flailed about, wrenching off The Ring. Out of nowhere, Aragorn lunged onto the landing, flashing a torch. The Ringwraiths went running toward the Ranger, intent on killing him. But Aragorn went medieval on them, and several wraiths fell off the top, on fire. Alas, Frodo was on the ground, gasping for life.

"Oh, damn, Ada will try harder to kill me if I don't get him to Imladris alive!" Aragorn grabbed Frodo and leaped off the mountain, the rest following him. Once they were in the woods, Aragorn grabbed Sam by the throat and hauled him to eye level. "Do you know Kingsfoil? Yeah, get some now!"

"Hey, my status as a gardener just came in handy!" Excited, Sam rushed off to scrounge in the weeds.

Suddenly, two horses came barreling into the area. One was white and grand, the other a brown horse that was poorly painted white. Arwen sat atop the "painted" horse, trying to beat Glorfindel and Asfaloth. Arwen, a dirty player like her father, grabbed Glorfy's prized, glittering, long-ass silver/golden hair.

"YEOW!" He started crying and rode away, leaving Arwen victorious to help her snuggle-hug-muffin by saving the poisoned hobbit.

"I'm obviously better than you, so I'll take Frodo." Arwen threw Frodo onto her horse and rode toward Rivendell, leaving Aragorn and the three hobbits to choke on the dust. A moment later, the remaining Ringwraiths fell into position behind her. A race-announcer talked overhead, keeping everyone updated.

Then Arwen reached the river and galloped to the other side. She whipped around to face her enemies, holding a freaky-eyed, turning moldy-puke-green Frodo. The showdown began. Closing her eyes, she uttered the "magickal" elf words that translated:

Hah! Take that and shmoke it, old decrepit Balrog-Slayer! I stole your part because I'm obviously prettier! Mwhahaha!

A flood came barreling through and blocked the Nazgul. Everyone paused as a dead body drifted by. Frodo roused himself to see why the attention was not focused on him. He saw the body. "Uncle?"

Arwen squinted. "Are those chocolate smudges on his cheeks?"

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Frodo awoke to a very scary face. He was in such terror that he could only muster two words: "Oh, Sam."

"SAM?" Lord Elrond roared. "I am your Queen…er, King! BOW TO ME!"

Gandalf whacked Elrond in the back of the head. There was a loud crack, but Elrond only smiled. He hadn't felt a thing, thanks to the nice, new drugs he had made while he was bored.

Glorfindel rushed into the room, holding his cloak out behind him like a cape. "I'll save you!" He lunged at Gandalf but missed and slammed into Elrond.

"Ew, Glorfindel, I am married! Get off of me!" Elrond yelled.

"Oh, my lord Elrond, have you been working out?"

"NOW!" Elrond screamed, his face turning red…but out of anger?...

"Fine," Glorfindel huffed, getting up. He never got to have any fun.

Frodo looked up at Gandalf. "Where have you been? We waited for you."

"I was…busy. Yes, that's it. Busy," Gandalf said, his eyes shifting. "Oh, I confess: Actually, I got drunk, got lost, somehow ended up in the deepest part of the ocean, and you don't want to know the rest." Gandalf stopped, and Frodo blinked once, then twice.

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Frodo came upon Sam packing his things on the balcony. "Oh, Sam," he stated, and then he looked into the waterfall below.

Sam pointed down. "Hey, what's that?" he asked, and the corpse of a chocolate covered Bilbo floated by.

"Bilbo!" Frodo shouted and started to dive over the edge, but Elrond came out of nowhere and grabbed him

"No, he's dead…it's too late for him!" he cried. "Save yourself!"

"You heard him!" Sam called. "Save yourself, Mr. Frodo!" Sam launched himself over the edge.

"Oh, Sam," Frodo sighed. "What are we running from?"

"Eat chocolate. Nice hobbit," Elrond crooned, holding Frodo in a headlock. Frodo screamed like a girly-girl as Elrond shoved chocolate down his throat.

Frodo licked his lips. "Yum, this is good," he said.

"No, he's immune!" Elrond said angrily, running away.

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"When do you think Ada will let us out?" Elladan asked.

"Hopefully before he sails. I don't want to be stuck here until some mortal finds us," Elrohir replied, and for the 1,252nd time, he tried to open the door to the closet in which they were stuck. There was no luck in opening it.

"Well, it's your turn to try and open it," Elrohir told Elladan.

"Just because we are immune to his stupid chocolate," Elladan growled, trying to open the doorknob without any luck. "Your turn, Elrohir."

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	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: See chapter 1 for disclaimers, etc…Also, lolol, I'm sorry…even if no one else finds this funny, it never ceases to make me laugh…my sister and I are just ridiculous when you get us together :)

The people summoned for the council of the all-mighty Elrond were gathering. Prince of Mirkwood Legolas rode at full speed up to the Imladris gates. He was going so fast that he didn't have time to stop and open the gate. Instead, he slammed full speed into the gate, and the horse kept going. Legolas fell to the ground, stunned, as Gimli came speeding up behind him. The dwarf ran him over without a second glance.

"Stupid elves!" he shouted over his shoulder. "So stupid--they sit in the middle of the road!"

Elrond came running out of the house, waving his arms in the air. "You broke my gate! YOU BROKE IT!" he yelled. "It took Glorfindel five minutes to install that thing! And it was supposed to be elf-proof!" Elrond looked ready to pull his hair out. "GLORFINDEL!"

Glorfindel ran by, cape streaming out from behind him. "Fly away!" he yelled. He tripped on the ruins of the gate and fell flat on his face. Everyone stared at him. Five minutes later, he jumped up and continued on. "What was I doing?" he asked as he walked away from Imladris.

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"I wonder what Ada did with my favorite other Ranger outfit," Aragorn muttered. "He probably burned it and laughed merrily."

Aragorn continued to search every corner and crack of the house. He came across a locked closet. "Ha, ha! I bet it's in there!" Aragorn said, picking up the key that was laying right in front of the door, and he opened the door with it.

"Hey, Elrohir! Look, the door's opening!" Elladan cried. "Finally!"

When the door opened, a very smelly, very muddy looking mortal stood before the twins. They screamed in terror.

Aragorn opened the door, and, surprised to see two elves tied inside, also screamed in terror. He slammed the door and ran away.

"Oh, no, Elladan! Mortals must have overran Imladris! Ada must have already sailed!" Elrohir cried.

"Hey, the door's open now," Elladan replied. "Now, if only we could untie ourselves…"

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"People from far and wide! Smelly people, muddy people, moronic people, or all three." Elrond glared at Aragorn, who sat oblivious. "I welcome you to my royal palace for…a tea party."

Legolas yelled, "YES!" while everyone else raised their glasses and clinked them. Aragorn drank his and wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"This stuff tastes like cardboard. Glorfindel, I thought you were going to get the strong stuff."

Glorfindel shrugged. "I did. I have been saving it for years. I had, like, five barrels, but after Lady Celebrian left, Elrond was so depressed that he drank it all himself."

Aragorn sighed and quickly tossed the remaining contents over his shoulder, letting it fall into the road below. He heard a scream, and his heart stopped. It sounded like Arwen. He looked over the railing, and Arwen stood drenched in his cardboard drink.

"Arwen, I'm sorry!" Aragorn started to say, but Elrond cut him off.

"There's our maid!" he said cheerfully. "So where is the real drink?"

"Ada, you drank it all when mother left; we have nothing else," Arwen said. "And now that disgusting Ranger ruined my dress!"

Elrond smiled. "Yes, I suppose I did drink it all…good stuff it was. You can always borrow a dress from your brothers…er, Celebrian."

"Ada, where are Elladan and Elrohir?" Arwen asked.

"Um…I am not quite sure," Elrond replied. "Why don't you find them?  
"Okay!" Arwen exclaimed.

Gandalf stood up and attempted to stand straight. He spoke the words of Mordor, and Glorfindel jumped up and chased him. "You son of an orc! I'm going to kill you!" he hollered.

Gandalf stopped running, and Glorfindel ran straight into him. "That is but a taste of the stupidness of the orcs of Mordor," the wizard stated solemnly. "Now, I vote that Frodo takes The Ring to Mt. Doom."

"Sure. It's not going to hurt me if he dies," Legolas muttered before putting his hand up to vote.

"On one condition," Glorfindel said, getting up off the ground. "The hobbit must throw himself into Mt. Doom with The Ring."

Everyone cheered. Boromir stood up, and everyone turned their attention to him. He cleared his throat and declared in a dramatic voice:

"I…had a dream…a dream…where men lived freely, and in peace…" the men smiled, "…with me as supreme leader with The Ring." They frowned. "…and Elves were welcomed amongst the men," the elves smiled, "…since they were now slaves." They frowned. "…where dwarves were happy," the dwarves smiled, "…because they were dead and in a better place." They frowned "…where hobbits frolicked in joy," the hobbits smiled, "…in our circuses…hairy-feet freaks and a half." They frowned. "My dream can come true…" He smiled at the Council of Things, then frowned when everyone jumped out of their seats and pummeled him.

"Now," Elrond raised his voice to get everyone's attention, "we must vote on who gets the…erm, privilege of going with Frodo to Mt. Doom. All in favor of Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, and the three bottomless pits known as Sam, Merry, and Pippin going, say, 'Aye'!"

"Ay--"

"WAIT!" Legolas screeched. He flung himself onto Elrond and began to strangle the pointy-eyebrowed elf. "I AM GOING WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! DADDY SAID I COULD!"

"Fine! Go!" Elrond wrenched the hot elf off of him, a little reluctantly. ;)

"Yay!" Legolas beamed, smoothed his perfect hair, and marched over to join the rest of the group.

"I give you the…uh….uh…Fellows…of…"

"How about, The Fellowship of the Ring!" Pippin eagerly suggested.

"That's what I said!" Elrond thundered. He gave Pippin the Evil Eye, complete with the Pointy Eyebrows of Doom.

"Now what?" Legolas asked, flipping his hair over his shoulder in boredom.

"Now…" Elrond smiled at the group. "It's time for chocolate."

Glorfindel shivered and crept away.

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While Frodo talked to his suddenly-alive-again uncle, Elrond walked into a room to find Aragorn kneeling before Gilraen's tomb.

"It's time to say goodbye to your mommy, Aragorn," Elrond said in a serious tone.

"I know…I mean, she's been dead for, what, 85 years? I guess I should move on." Aragorn moved to stand beside his mother's casket. He pushed off the lid to reveal her skeleton face. Elrond frowned deeply in disgust and stretched his neck to see around Aragorn's body.

"Bye, Mommy." Aragorn gave his farewell in a tearful voice. He leaned down and planted a big, sloppy kiss right on Gilraen's lips.

"Oh, you didn't…" Elrond cringed, looking ready to hurl. "Well, it's a little different than how the elves mourn the dead."

All of a sudden, Gilraen crumbled and collapsed to ashes. Elrond and Aragorn stared in shock. The first to recover, Aragorn sighed. "Oh, great, ashes on my lips." He pulled the cover over and ran outside. Elrond blinked before pulling out a match and a bottle of kerosene from his pocket. Laughing gleefully, he danced around the bonfire.

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And they were off, old geezer in first place simply for the reason that he used an iron rod to beat anyone who came near. Aragorn was last because he wanted to look broody and mysterious. Legolas was in the middle because he knew that he would be most noticeable by hobbits. He wondered if Bill the Pony would like another bag to carry…a year's supply of soap, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, and combs was getting heavy.

At some place, the group stopped to rest after walking for about three hours. Boromir taught Pippin and Merry to fight in order to cover up for his stupidity and egotism earlier. Aragorn passed the time by smoking, as usual. Gandalf and Gimli were arguing when Legolas, prancing around on a rock, spied a funky cloud thing in the distance.

"Hey, guys…there's some bird things flying at us at an alarming velocity."

"Whatever," Gandalf snapped. Only he was ever right.

"Stupid, ears-in-a-point elf!" Gimli grumbled.

"…Pointy-eared elf?" Legolas suggested as he gracefully jumped off the rock, shoved Aragorn under a rock with two hobbits, kicked the other hobbits and Boromir under another rock, and crawled under a bush. Five seconds later, the birds slammed into Gandalf and Gimli. Legolas laughed heartily when the coast was clear, and they had to help get stray bird parts out of Gandy's and Gimli's beards.

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All of the Fellowship was ready to kill Legolas by the time the blizzard hit on the mountain trail. Tense feelings were abound after Frodo managed to lose his Ring necklace after falling, and Boromir picked it up. He claimed he was going to give it back, even though he tried to swallow it.

"But it would be safe there," he whispered as his eyes shifted rapidly.

So now they were trudging through feet of snow with the wind that promised an icy death screaming into their faces. Except for Legolas. He was a few yards ahead, having the time of his life, frolicking on top of the snow. Suddenly he stopped and listened, his fair head cocked.

"Either the mountain is talking, or someone here is a good ventriloquist," he shouted back to his companions.

"Well, I did have a puppet when I was younger…" Gandalf trailed off. "Wait! Hark! Hold up! And…whoa…um, that kinda sounds like Sarumen! We are all gonna die!"

Pippin and Merry screeched in horror. Sam was paralyzed from the cold. Frodo didn't really care. The council wanted him to be thrown into Mt. Doom with The Ring anyhow.

"What do we do?" Boromir yelled over the loud wind.

"Quick, dig a hole and hide in it," Aragorn suggested sarcastically.

"Okay!" Boromir answered brightly. He dropped his armful of hobbits, pulled a sledgehammer out from behind his shield, and smacked the side of the mountain. An avalanche promptly occurred and buried them.

"Hah," Sarumen crowed.

Gandalf's head popped out of the snow. "Fool of a…a…do you even have a last name?"

Boromir uncovered himself. "I don't know. And hey, Aragorn told me to."

"Not really," the Ranger grumbled. Now he was going to be clean from the snow.

"What now?" Merry lamented.

"Frodo," Gandalf addressed the Ring-bearer, "even though you are the second most unqualified amongst us to make this decision, you decide whether we continue here or go through The Mines of Moria. I'll give you a hint to the correct answer: The Mines is the wrong choice. Bad. Don't pick that one. Bad things will happen if we go through the Mines. Pick another way other than the Mines."

"Um…" Frodo bit his nails. "The Mines of Moria?"

Gandalf slapped his forehead while Gimli did a happy dance and Legolas sulked.

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	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: See chapter 1 for disclaimers, etc…

The trip to Moria was long, very long. So long that it took them until nightfall to get there. Aragorn, tired of walking, sat on the hobbit's backs and made them carry him like a king.

"We're here!" Gimli exclaimed cheerfully in a very loud voice that echoed through the dark and creepy place. The loud voice disturbed the "Watcher in the Water."

It launched out of the water and swallowed Gimli whole. Aragorn screamed and started smacking the hobbits to make them go faster. The hobbits, confused, ran in circles. Meanwhile, Gandalf calmly studied the riddle on the door.

"Where's the danger?" Legolas asked, looking in the wrong direction.

"Speak friend and enter," Gandalf muttered to himself. Then in a loud voice he said, "Friend!" Nothing happened. "I am a friend, and I am speaking!" Gandalf cried.

The door remained shut, and the"Watcher in the Water" came up and ate Gandalf, too.

"I'll get you now!" Legolas shouted, firing arrows rapidly in the wrong direction.

"Hey, Legolas!" Aragorn called. "From this angle, your head looks like a melon!"

The door opened at the magical word, and Aragorn rode the hobbits inside to escape Legolas's arrows, which now came in his direction out of vengeance. The "Watcher in the Water," mad that its dinner was getting away, came after them. Legolas hit it with an arrow, and it spat Gimli and Gandalf out. Everyone ran into the mines.

"Now we must continue a fruitless journey to the other side of Moria," Gandalf informed them grimly.

"No fruit!" Pippin exclaimed. "But I love fruit!"

They went up a stairway. Two hundred stairs, to be exact, and Aragorn pulled out his pipe to smoke. The hobbits gagged in the huge cloud of smoke and faltered on the steps. Aragorn kicked them, and they hurried forward.

"This place is dead inside," Gandalf muttered to himself. They stopped at a three-way split in the road. "I have no memory of this place," Gandalf admitted.

Aragorn swore, while Legolas declared, "Logically, we go straight! If we want to go straight through the mines, then we continue going straight." Sighing when he was ignored, Legolas pulled out his hair brush and began to comb his hair.

"Look," Frodo said. "It says here on the ground: This way to the Balrog that killed all the dwarves. We must go straight!"

"Brilliant!" Aragorn stated and moved the hobbits onward.

"Gandalf," Legolas said in alarm. "Someone's following us!"

"That's just Boromir," Gandalf replied.

"No, down there!" Legolas pointed his comb into the darkness.

"Oh, that's just my friend Gollum," Gandalf answered, and they all continued on.

They reached a room where there was a coffin and a dead guy with a book. "Isn't the dead guy supposed to be in the coffin?" Boromir asked.

"Balin's dead!" Gimli sobbed, throwing himself at the coffin. Gandalf picked up the book and read how all the dwarves died.

"We cannot get out. They are coming," he read. "Oh, well." He threw the book on the ground, and Pippin found it fascinating to touch the dead guy, causing a chain to fall down a well, which alerted all the goblins, orcs, and cave trolls of their presence.

"Fool of a stupid head!" Gandalf yelled. Aragorn climbed off of the hobbits' backs to fight, and Sam snuck off with the book. He wanted to write their own tragic ending for someone else to find.

As the goblins and orcs were running for the room, Boromir stuck his head out of the door and almost got hit by arrows. "They've got bows, swords, and shields, oh my!" he yelled, running away. Gimli jumped onto the tomb and said something no one understood, but no one was listening anyways.

A party of goblins and orcs came in, and Aragorn killed them all with his super-duper killer move. It was pretty much like a very violent chop. Then a cave troll came in, and Aragorn's sword bounced right off of him.

Legolas shot an arrow, and it bounced back and killed an orc. He giggled and pranced off.

Pippin and Merry decided today was the day to step up in the ranks of society. Today, they were going to be heroes. They jumped onto the cave troll and started stabbing him. Aragorn, since Legolas was MIA for the moment, shot him in the mouth, and the cave troll died.

But before the cave troll died, it stabbed Frodo. Aragorn rode over on the remaining hobbits to see if the Ring-bearer was indeed as dead as he looked. "He was supposed to throw himself into Mt. Doom!" Legolas complained.

"I guess we could carry his lifeless body all the way to Mt. Doom and throw him in," Boromir suggested.

"That would be a horrible stench," Gimli disagreed.

Frodo, though, was not dead. He popped up, surprising Aragorn, who screamed and stabbed him again.

"Run, hobbits, run!" Aragorn shouted, and they galloped away.

"We must leave this place. WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Gandalf yelled, chasing Aragorn.

"Oh, good, we're finally leaving!" Legolas exclaimed, skipping away.

The whole group ran madly into the hallway, only to find themselves completely surrounded by goblins. Legolas held his bow and the rest, their swords, but a fight would be useless: they were outnumbered a gazillion to one. The sound of the creepy goblins screeching deafened them as they squeezed together.

All of a sudden, the goblins froze before fleeing. The columns were covered with the creatures as they shoved each other to get away. "Yes!" Sam cried, pumping his fist into the air. "We are bad! Oh, yeah; oh, yeah…"

"Obviously, I scared them," Aragorn declared.

"Yeah, with your stench," Boromir scoffed.

"Children," Legolas sniffed, smoothing his hair.

"We must run!" Gandalf screamed.

"Why? I think it's time for lunch," Pippin stated, clearing forgetting his terror.

"Um…what's that fire monster thing?" Merry asked, pointing a shaking finger behind them.

"BALROG! RUN OR DIE!" Gimli bellowed, waddling off at a brisk pace. Frodo "eeped" and ran him over, the rest following.

Boromir, being the leader that he is, almost fell off The Cliff of Doom and Fire (not to be confused with Mt. Doom)TM. Luckily, Legolas grabbed him, and they went on. Aragorn looked to Gandalf, but the old Istari motioned for him to continue.

"You must lead them, Aragorn."

"Why? I am too young to be king!" he panicked.

"Then you won't be…until the end of the story. Anyways, I'm going to 'die' soon--please note the quotations--and you'll have to take over, k?"

"Oh, sure! Why didn't you just say so?" He rushed off to catch up. The Balrog must have been really fat, because the place was collapsing with every one of its steps. Their path broke, but Legolas gracefully jumped to the other side. Gandalf followed with Boromir, Merry, Sam, and Pippin close behind.

"Nobody tosses a dwarf!" Gimli roared, flinging himself across the chasm. He missed by about a mile. Legolas happened to have a spasm at that moment, and his arm shot out and grabbed his beard. He thought about letting go, but something caused him to pull Gimli onto solid ground.

Aragorn nobly held Frodo as their piece rocked and crumbled. Using his Ranger smarts, he rode the swaying piece until it fell forward, throwing them into their friends. Frodo (lucky him) was grabbed (read: groped) by Gandalf, and Aragorn was caught (read: practically squeezed to death: "Oh, my, Valor, Estel, I thought you were GONNA DIE!" Legolas sobbed as Aragorn patted his shoulder awkwardly) by Legolas.

Arrows rained down on them as they scurried toward the exit. The Balrog closed in on them, and Gandalf valiantly turned to face it.

"You…shall not…what's the word?"

"Go? Move on? Continue?" Joey the Balrog suggested.

"No…oh!...PASS!" he thundered.

"Yeah, whatever." Joey swatted at Gandalf, who lost his footing. Gandalf screamed like a girl and tumbled off the bridge into the chasm of DOOOOM.

Joey laughed, then stopped abruptly when he realized that Gandalf had his tail.

"Hah! Got your tail thing!"

"Nooooo!" Joey despaired.

From out of the deep pit, the Fellowship minus one heard, "Fly, you bloody foooooooooollllsssss!!!!!"

"Hurry!" Pippin screeched, flapping his arms. The taller ones grabbed the shorter ones and ran out of Moria.

Once outside the mines, everyone knew they should be sad, but Aragorn made the hobbits gallop onward. They had to run the whole way to Lothlorien. "Go, my trusty steeds, go!"

When they entered the Golden Woods, Galadriel made the mistake of getting into Aragorn's head. She saw some disturbing images of her granddaughter, Arwen.

"He does ride hobbits, though," Galadriel muttered.

Haldir lifted his bow to stop the oncoming people, but Aragorn, riding the hobbits at an alarming velocity, plowed him over. Legolas leaned over the fallen Haldir and scrunched up his nose in an unelven fashion. "Eww…look at your hair; it's all messed up. Here, have a comb!"

Haldir accepted the comb, and Legolas marched on without even helping him up. "Oops, sorry! That was your arm," Legolas apologized before leaving.

Haldir blinked. He supposed it was time to get a new job.

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"I am glad to know that you have failed to protect me when I am in danger, Marchwarden!" Galadriel yelled. "This thing came galloping in and was chasing me around madly!" Galadriel pointed to Aragorn, who sat proudly. Aragorn snickered, thinking that she was talking about Pippin.

"SHUT UP!" Celeborn yelled. "IT'S MY TURN TO TALK!" He smoothed his robe and cleared his throat. "It's good to talk again. Valor, I have forgotten what my own voice sounds like. It's been, what, two hundred years since I last talked. Galadriel always talks; she just--"

"Get on with it!" Galadriel yelled. "This is why I don't let you talk! You just keep babbling!"

Celeborn looked offended, but he got right to the point. "WHERE IS GANDALF?" he asked. "For I would very much like to speak to him."

"He's dead!" Aragorn announced. "Now I am leader of this group."

He pulled out his sword and kicked the hobbits, so they walked to the head of the group. "Alas, he was slain by Joey the Balrog, the evilest of all of Morgoth's Balrogs. Fear not, though, for I will lead the group!" In the background, Boromir started the slow clap (heh, heh…it's the "thing" of my graduating class that began in chemistry).

"Joey!" Galadriel thundered as Aragorn put his sword away. "JOEY WAS MY FRIEND!"

"He wasn't that good of a friend," Celeborn replied.

"True…he was entertaining, though. Sad is the death of Joey…er, Gandalf. Be at peace, though, because all good things come to an end." Aragorn looked scared at that statement. "Go now and rest."

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"I cannot believe that Joey was killed. He was always our friend and ally," Galadriel stormed. Celeborn was helpless to calm her. He wished she had never captured and enslaved him to be her husband all those years ago.

"Now the Fellowship is being led by a moron who thinks he's a king!" Galadriel got an idea, and she turned and laid evil eyes on Celeborn, who shivered. "You!" she yelled. "Talk to that moron and show him how to be a real king!"

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Galadriel walked down the steps to her mirror, gasping when she saw Pippin was taking a bath in it. "No, you fool!" she yelled. She launched herself off of the stairs and at Pippin. Pippin screamed and tried to get out of the mirror, but he got stuck. There was a lot of splashing, and Pippin was trying to run away with the mirror stuck on his butt.

Aragorn awoke to the sound of shuffling and splashing. He drew his sword and jumped on the hobbits to wake them up, also. "Come, my trusty steeds! We must defend our land!"

He rode off, and the hobbits barely made it down the stairs in one piece. There they found Galadriel, soaked, sitting on the floor a few feet from Pippin, who was still stuck in the mirror.

Celeborn had followed Aragorn down, and he helped up Galadriel. She stood and thundered off, which was highly unfitting for a queen, let alone an elvish queen. Fortunately for Pippin, Celeborn was able to get him out of the mirror in one piece.

Celeborn then yanked Aragorn off of the hobbits' backs by his collar and dragged him off to talk to him.

"See, Aragorn, to be a real king, you need to understand a few things," Celeborn began. They were standing in the middle of the Golden Woods. Aragorn hoped Celeborn knew how to get back, because he didn't.

"First of all is how to get back to our settlement, because Galadriel has kept me locked up for centuries now, and I forget…you were paying attention, weren't you?"

"Um, not exactly." He brightened. "But, hey, I'm a Ranger! I can find our way out of this woods!"

"Great," Celeborn smiled, relieved. "Second, is life."

"Life?"

"Yes. You see, Aragorn, when a man and a woman love each other very much…or, you know, an elf lady and a dirty, hairy Ranger…"

"I know that already!" he quickly interrupted the elder elf.

"Oh, good. See, I didn't know that when Galadriel elf-napped me. Which leads me to my next point: Never go with strangers, even if they have pretty hair and candy."

"Why?"

"Because they are probably old as dirt and are telepathic. Which is uncool when a hot, younger elf lady passes by."

"Sure," Aragorn said, but his expression was uncertain.

"Finally, let Gal--I mean, your queen do all the talking. She enjoys it."

"Got it. Are we done?" Aragorn asked. Celeborn was starting to creep him out.

"Yes…so, how do we get back?" Aragorn sighed and trudged to the north to retrace their steps.

88888888

All too soon for the remaining Fellowship, the time to move on arrived. Galadriel, not wanting to be an ungracious hostess, subtly hinted at their leaving.

"Listen, guys, I like my woods peaceful." They all nodded. "And The Ring brings trouble." Nods. "And trouble equals no peace." Nods. "And you carry The Ring." Lots of nods. "Do you get my drift?" the Lady asked in exasperation.

"Oh, yeah!" Gimli bellowed. "You think I'm dead sexy!"

"Not exactly," Galadriel disagreed before turning to throw up.

"Idiot," Boromir hissed. "She obviously wants us to float Frodo down the river while the rest of us stay here."

"Or!" Pippin cried, "she wants to give us presents! And food!"

"Food is a present," Sam whispered.

"Enough!" Galadriel roared, her face taking on a green hue. "I'll give you boats, gifts, and cloaks--"

"And food!"

"--and food, but then you're all leaving!"

"Yay!" the Fellowship cheered.

Galadriel sighed. "It's hard to be the queen."

The Lord of the Golden Wood was lounging on a velvet couch while pretty elf maidens fed him grapes and combed his pretty silver hair. "Hey, so I don't get any lines or screen time," Celeborn said in a blissful tone to Haldir, who lounged across from him. "Let's face it: It's good to be the king."

8888888888

Pippin and Merry were shoving as much of the food given to them as possible into their large hobbit mouths. "Hey, this stuff is great!" Pippin said, crumbs spraying everywhere.

"Yeah! One of your better ideas, Pip!" Merry agreed. Suddenly they stopped cold as they heard someone clear his throat daintily. Guiltily, they looked up to see Legolas standing before them.

"Oh, go on and eat," he urged cheerfully.

"Really?" Pippin asked, forcing the huge mouthful down his esophagus.

"Sure. You know that's Lembas bread, right? The elven bread that, with one small piece, can fill the stomach of a grown Oliphant?"

"Really?" Merry squeaked.

"Oh, yeah. This one time, at Orc-killing Camp, I saw an Oliphant explode from the consumption of two mere bites of Lembas. It was gross. It took me two hours to get pieces of muscle and fur out of my hair. Bon appetit!" He flounced away.

Merry and Pippin sat in shocked stillness. Pippin burped. "I think I feel my stomach expanding, Merry!

"I think he just made that up to scare us," Merry commented in an uncertain voice.

"Would he joke about his hair being dirty?"

"…Good point…"

The long journey down the river bored everyone to tears, except Aragorn, who was leading the way and loved to play follow the leader, as long as he was the leader; Boromir, who had to listen to Merry and Pippin; the two hobbits, who chatted nonstop; Legolas, who was scared about getting wet feet and therefore paid the utmost attention; Frodo, who was gazing at Sam; and Sam, who was nonchalantly trying to keep as close to Aragorn as possible. Gimli eventually fell asleep.

Soon they came upon the mammoth statues. "Look!" Aragorn cried. "These statues give remembrance to two great kings of Middle Earth!" Under his breath, he finished, "Or something like that…"

"Cool! Who are they?" Pippin and Merry cried from the second boat in the line.

"Um…" Aragorn racked his memory for names he learned in his weekly history lessons with Glorfindel from when he was a kid. "Elrond the First and…Gil-Galad the Fifth," he lied after drawing a blank.

"Really? I thought--"

"Time for bed, Meriadoc!" Aragorn quickly called.

"Aragorn!" Legolas screamed at the top of his lungs from the last boat. "A shadow and a threat grows in my mind!"

"Stupid elf!" Gimli slurred, half asleep. "You are supposed to say that when we land!"

"Oh…" Legolas pouted and fell silent.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: See chapter 1 for disclaimers, etc…

katana777—Thanks for the review! Glad you liked it :) And I looked at the webpage you put in your review…I didn't see a Lord of the Rings category under books…maybe I'm just missing it? Thanks, though :) Hope you like this chapter.

And happy holidays or college break or anything else you want this time of year to everyone!

OH! Wow, how about that…this would be the last of what we have written for the first one…we actually started the second one, but I don't foresee it getting actually written the whole way through…so sorry for anyone who actually reads and likes this :) But we appreciate all the reviews and any reviews we get for this one! Love to everyone who read and liked! Sorry if this is kinda short compared to the other ones…I guess I wasn't planning ahead when I broke up segments…

They eventually came to a foreboding shore. Aragorn pulled up and climbed out. "Yeah, this looks like a place of DEATH and general BADNESS. Let's make camp here and not pay any attention to Frodo, who has The Ring, and Boromir, who obviously wants The Ring."

"Do not," Boromir denied, his eyes shifting back and forth in a guilty fashion.

Legolas stomped passed him, pouting. He stopped for a moment beside the Ranger. "Rather than waste my breath: What I said back in the canoes. Someone, like Boromir, will die. Let's leave."

"Um, how about…no, Legolas, okay? Just because you're an elf who is wiser and older and more experienced and just generally more intuitive than me, I'm going to completely disregard your words."

"Fine," he huffed, walking away.

While Aragorn and Legolas were arguing, Frodo decided to go off and look around, even though the woods were spooky and dark. Boromir decided that this was his best chance to get The Ring, so he also sneaked off.

'I'll pretend like I'm getting firewood,' Boromir thought, grabbing every little twig he could find. He ran into a very tall tree by accident.

"That's one big piece of firewood," he muttered to himself. "I could burn down all of Gondor with that. Not that I want to burn down Gondor," he added, looking around to see if anyone had heard him.

Meanwhile, Frodo was pretending to be on an adventure, so he crawled on top of a statue and put on The Ring. It showed him the tower with Sauron inside having lunch and a tea party with the Nazgul.

"That's twisted," Frodo said, then he realized that he had put The Ring on upside-down. He put it on correctly, and the great eye was in front of him.

Frodo screamed. "Flaming ball of fire!" He pulled The Ring off and tumbled backward off of the statue. He laid there for a moment and heard a voice coming toward him.

"Mirkwood would make a nice bonfire with all those trees." Boromir stopped in front of Frodo, holding a handful of twigs.

"I know what you are going to say," Frodo said, scrambling to his feet.

"What?" Boromir asked, trying to sound innocent but failing miserably. "I am merely collecting firewood."

"With those twigs? No, you're here because you want The Ring," Frodo replied.

"All right, you caught me," Boromir said, throwing the twigs over his shoulder. Then he dove onto Frodo. Frodo sidestepped him and ran off.

Back at the campsite, Aragorn noticed that Boromir and Frodo had disappeared. Sam was running around in circles, shouting, "Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo! I can't find you, Frodo! Where are you?"

Legolas, who was still pouting, spoke up, "I told you this place was bad."

But Aragorn took no heed of him, racing off to find his companions, while everyone else stayed there. Gimli was sleeping, Legolas pouting, Sam running in circles, and Merry and Pippin drawing pictures in the sand. "What are you drawing?" Legolas asked.

"A map of the exact trail we took and are taking," Pippin responded.

"I didn't think it was fair for the orcs to not have a clue of how to follow us," Merry added.

"Stupid orcs," Legolas said. "They'll trample it before they realize it's there. Stupid destroying orcs."

"I love to play hide-in-seek," Pippin announced. "Don't you, Merry?"

"Hide-and-seek. I do. I don't know what you're smoking," Merry replied, drawing Mt. Doom and stick figure Frodo throwing The Ring inside.

"Old Toby," Pippin said dreamily.

Aragorn caught up to Frodo, and he grabbed the hobbit's shoulders. "Where's The Ring?" he cried, shaking the hobbit.

Frodo held it out to him, and the Ranger covered his eyes. "Put that thing away! You don't know who's watching!"

Frodo shoved The Ring into his pocket, and Aragorn peeked out from behind his hand. "Is it gone?" he asked, and Frodo nodded. Aragorn put his hand down and screamed. "Frodo, how long have these orcs been watching?"

"When I pull out The Ring, they all come to me like a magnet. They're like my network," Frodo calmly explained.

"Run, Frodo, run!" Aragorn yelled, picking the Halfling up above his head and throwing him as hard as he could. "Okay, orcs, time to die!" he cried, drawing his sword. The orcs all ran after Frodo. "Hey, come back here!" he yelled, running after them.

Frodo, noticing the orcs coming after him, ran faster. Zooming through the forest, he never saw Merry and Pippin until he flat out ran into them. Smack!

"Oh, thank Old Toby, there you are! Listen, you have to sacrifice yourselves so I can…" Frodo trailed off as he realized he had, in fact, ran into a now-indignant tree. He frantically looked around, but no hobbits were in sight. "Guys?!"

"RAAA!" orcs screamed as they almost caught up with Frodo. Frodo scrambled onward.

Legolas and Gimli, bored and wondering where the others had went, wandered off and heard the commotion from the orcs. Excited to finally kill something, they flew toward the sound.

Sam, noticing he was the only one left at the camp, ceased to run in circles and thought hard about his next move. "I know!" he cried. "I'll go find Mr. Frodo, lest Gandalf come back from the dead and roast me for losing him." Happy with his decision, he trotted into the forest.

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were playing cards with Boromir a ways off from where Frodo was currently. They unknowingly had chosen the wrong spot to wait for him, and eventually they grew bored. Boromir stumbled along, ready to save the day, but with no Frodo or orcs, they pulled out a deck to pass the time. About five minutes later, an out-of-breath Frodo crashed into them.

"You idiots!" he shrieked. "You're in the wrong place!"

"Obviously not, since you're here," Pippin contradicted, matter-of-factly.

"I have to escape! You deal with the orcs!"

"All right, all right; don't get your panties in a twist," Merry grumbled.

"I wear boxers!" they heard Frodo screech, his voice fading as he sprinted away to the boats.

Boromir sprang to his feet as the orcs came barreling upon them. "Have no fear, little hobbits!" he proclaimed in a noble voice. "I will save you!"

"No, you won't!" they yelled in unison as two orcs bypassed Boromir, grabbed the two, and kept going.

"Hey, come back here!" Boromir raised the Horn of Gondor (minus any perverted connotations people associate with that name) and blew it as hard as he could.

"We're right here!" Aragorn shouted as he, Legolas, and Gimli rushed up behind the orcs, killing the ones around them as they went.

"Oh…" Boromir stopped and pondered a moment. "But I'm supposed to die a valiant death whilst attempting to save the hobbits!"

"Go for it, Laddie," Gimli grunted as he decapitated an orc. Boromir whole-heartedly threw himself into the battle.

Meanwhile, Frodo reached the canoes at their abandoned campsite. Still running like a scared jackrabbit, he catapulted himself into the nearest boat, which propelled it into the water. After he was a few yards from shore, he calmed down and slowed the boat. He knew Sam would have to follow him.

Boromir was mid-swing when his body froze. His eyes widened, and then he dropped to the ground. Aragorn saw this, looked at the huge Uruk-hai standing before his collapsed body, and let out a sound of rage. He lunged at the monster and smacked right into its chest. It was like colliding with a rock. Aragorn moaned as he slid down all seven feet of it, while it let out a Chewbacca cry.

Undeterred, Aragorn jumped back to his feet. "AAAAHHHH!" he roared before haphazardly swinging at it. It stood there until he was wore out. He leaned, panting, upon his sword, the sword tip in the ground. The Uruk-hai laughed. Legolas skipped up behind it and shoved an arrow into its neck. The Uruk-hai shut up abruptly, mouth gaping before falling into a million pieces at Aragorn's feet.

"Hah!" he crowed. "I knew I hit it more than once!" His gaze fell to Boromir. "Oh, no! Boromir, my brother!" he lamented, kneeling before the fallen man. "You are a noble man, my brother," he sobbed, tears welling in his eyes. "Rest in peace." He leaned forward and kissed Boromir's forehead.

"Surprise!" the body shouted.

"EEP!" Aragorn scrambled away, scared of the talking dead thing.

Boromir's eyes flew open, and he sat up. "Ha, ha, just kidding! I totally gotcha!"

Aragorn blinked at him.

Back at the canoe, Frodo was fuming. Sam still hadn't showed up! "Why can no one remember their places?!" he screamed in utter frustration.

"Oh, Mr. Frodo, over here!" came a distant voice.

"Oh, Sam?" Puzzled, Frodo turned around. Sam was on the other bank. "Why are you over there?"

"I guess I ran the wrong way, looking for you!" he said sheepishly.

"Oh, Sam," Frodo sighed as he paddled to the other side. "I'd give you the whole speech about me going alone, but frankly, I need someone to carry my bags."

"Great, let's go see the elves!" Sam eagerly said.

"Oh, Sam, we've seen enough of them. Wouldn't it be more fun to see Mordor and the Eye of Sauron?"

"I…guess…" Sam guessed. Frodo handed him the oars, and they went down the river.

The orcs were killed or gone, and the four remaining stood there. Aragorn spoke up. "Well, guys, Frodo went with Sam to go to Mt. Doom, and Merry and Pippin were captured."

"Let's go get some beer!" Gimli suggested. "What? The Fellowship's broken, anyhow!"

"But there is still hope if we remain true to each other," Aragorn solemnly declared. "We shall not leave Merry and Pippin to certain death."

"Well, if we find that they're certainly dead, then can we get beer?" Gimli asked hopefully.

Legolas pulled Gimli's beard. "Let's go run lots and be heroes!" he suggested excitedly. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas clasped each other's arms. They looked expectantly at Boromir.

"Yeah…I think I'm gonna head back to Gondor. You know, make sure daddy didn't eat poor Far-y yet."

"Oh, okay. One, two--break!" Aragorn shouted. "Let's go!" They ran off, leaving Boromir alone.

"Hey, which way's Gondor?" he called after them.

"That way!" Aragorn's intelligent reply trickled back to him.

"Oh, okay." Boromir chose a way at random and set off.

Hereth Endth Partth Oneth of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.


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